October, 2019
I don’t really know when, it’s all a blur really. I just came across this old writing in 2024 and thought I could expand on it.
I want supper and a sleep in goddammit
Oooooh boy. I’m trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself right now, but I’m feeling pretty darn sorry for myself right now.
I really don’t want to be resentful, but for 9 months, I have spent nearly every night at home. A lot of them have been alone, where I can’t go anywhere because I have a sleeping baby. Now. I know that it was our choice to have a baby. And I know that as a breastfeeding mother, it falls mostly to me. And I also know that this won’t last forever. My husband’s job is often at night (he’s an actor) and I know that when he goes, he doesn’t want to leave us, but he has to. And I know that, on the flip side, when he’s in show, we get lots of daytimes together and that’s amazing, I’m very lucky. And I know that we need to earn money and I haven’t earnt a cent in almost a year.
I also know that my husband doesn’t actually go out that much at all and is incredibly conscious of giving me time to do my thing. And I know that, of late, on the occasions he has tried to give me a sleep in, I haven’t been able to sleep anyway (fuck you to hell anxiety…but let’s not get into that right now, not to mention the goddamn neighbours, of course.)
Now, while I know all of these things, including the fact that I have started 5 sentences above with ‘And’, which I know is not grammatically correct, I have to say that right now, it’s feeling like a pretty bitter pill to have to swallow that he wants to sleep in again, leaving me to parent alone, because he’s tired, because he works late and then (sometimes) has a beer with people.
Last night was one of those sometimes. He had an early show and then one of his cast mates organised a little ‘late supper’. He had a lovely time. That’s super great. (I genuinely mean that, even though it sounds sarcastic as all hell.) I would just really love to have a late supper too. Or an early supper. Or supper of any kind really, with nice people, where we eat lamb and drink wine and come home at whatever time I want and then sleep in too. Just once. (This week maybe?) Instead I feed my gorgeous son, I wash him, I put him to bed and I eat dinner, alone. I try to get something productive done or I try to get some rest knowing that at some point in the night I’ll be up again feeding and resettling him and then I’ll be woken first thing to feed again and start the day. I just want some goddamn supper and a sleep in. That’s all.
In other news, I finally managed to clear the massive, sticky, dried goop of snot that has been hanging around my son’s nose for four days. So it’s been a very successful morning.
Want to read more?
I dunno…Do you keep talking about snot?