Posted April 13th, 2026
Written September 12th, 2024
Fucking hayfever.
If you’ve never had hayfever, I hope you’re happy. Cos goddamn it’s a shit, shit time. It’s like instant flu. One second you’re boppin’ along, happy as Larry or whatever, (whoever?) and the next? You’re a teary, red, itchy-eyed bitch who is constantly about to sneeze, with a face that feels swollen, a head full of fuzz and a nose that is more blocked than…I don’t know, something that is really blocked. Good metaphor Jo.
How do you know a rookie hayfever sufferer from a seasoned hayfever sufferer? They swear they just have a cold. You have a cold? No you don’t. It’s September. What you have is a good old dose of boring-as-batshit hayfever masquerading as a cold that came out of literally nowhere. ‘Yeah, but no, I’m just a bit stuffed up.’ Yep. That’s hayfever. ‘No, I don’t think so, I don’t get hayfever, I’ve just been a bit tired you know, aches and pains and that sort of thing, so I think I’m just coming down with-‘ No, no, that’s hayfever my friend. ‘I really don’t think so, I’m sure it’s just stress, I’ve been a bit dizzy and tired.’ I’m telling you. It’s Hayfever.
Ladies and gentlemen the greatest actor of all time…dumb, stupid, boring, annoying, unsexy hayfever.
I’m one of those people who never got it as a child either. I grew up on a street lined with bloody plane trees for crying out loud. (You know the ones that drop those not-quite-golf-ball size balls that look a bit spiky, but that come apart as tiny little sticks with hairy fluff on them?) But then I moved to Sydney, started working at a cupcakery in Surry Hills and wham, bam, now I get hayfever. And what’s particularly rude is the fact that spring came early, cos of climate change, cos the world is fucked, so hayfever season started early. Goodie. I read only recently that you should actually start taking anti-histamines one month prior to the hayfever season in order to build up whatever it is in anti-histamines that slightly help with hayfever.
Quick question though – how have we not come up with a real, reliable, stable fix for hayfever? Sometimes the nose spray works, sure. But sometimes it doesn’t. Definitely not after a week. After two weeks it actually hurts your nose, which then blocks up more than ever. Sometimes the tablets work. But not always and not for long. But yes – I hear you, don’t stop taking them, cos you need to build up your stores blah blah blah. And if you think cold and flu medicine works, you are very, VERY wrong. So just wrap yourself in tissue-filled bubble wrap, get a saline nose-flush ‘reconstitution’ thingamewhatsit and spend every morning and every night rinsing the pollen out of those sinuses my friend. Fun times.
Did I tell you I broke up with coffee in August. I thought, you know what? I am way too addicted. I am married to the bloody stuff. It’s my longest-standing relationship for god’s sake and I have been fiercely loyal. I was thinking about quitting a while ago, which I did absolutely nothing about until I saw a friend’s post recently that inspired me. She was 3 months down the no-coffee road. So I messaged her and asked her how she felt and how she did it and why, why on earth she would put herself through that pain. She is a mum, like me, with a hugely successful career, unlike me. And I thought if she can do it, maybe I can too. She reckoned her anxiety more than halved. We’re talking like 60% less. That’s a game-changer. Even if there were no other pros, that alone is kinda worth it. She also reckons she’s a better mum and a better partner. Her brain is less scattered and, in the risk of sounding like a boomer, the price of coffee is actually exorbitant, so she’s saving there too. (Highway robbery is the phrase that comes to mind.)
So I thought yep. I’m doing it. I’ll spend August as a non-caffeinated zombie. I figured it would entail maybe a week or so of headaches? Obviously a world of brain fuzz that would last…what? A month? But the pro? The light at the end of this self-inflicted no-caffeine tunnel? Mental clarity. Bright, brilliant, non-addicted, non-dependent, calm, tranquil, mental clarity. And a splash of righteousness for having achieved this momentous challenge. Don’t get me wrong though, I didn’t quit cold-turkey. I’m not that nuts. I’ve heard that’s a great way to fail at quitting caffeine. So I switched to decaf, cos there was no way in hell that I am breaking up with my morning coffee ritual. Absolutely no way, no how. I am wedded to the ritual more than the caffeine, which is actually kind of great, cos decaf these days is readily available and bloody tasty. (And I am from Melbourne, so you know I am a snob about it.) I am also still allowing myself my afternoon English breakfast tea with honey, so you see I’m not breaking up with caffeine entirely. (And yes, during exams, that may turn into two English breakfast teas with honey in the afternoon, but hey, exams gotta exam.)
So there I was plodding through August a goddamn zombie (but at least I knew the reason why) and the third week came around and low and behold I began to see the light. I started to think holy smokes I might have actually done it. I might have climbed this godforsaken caffeine-less mountain and here I am finally stumbling up and over the tippety-top of that hell-ish summit. I am about to hold my weary head up high and breathe that sweet, crisp, clean, caffeine-free mountain-top air. Take a big ole lungful and drag it in. And then? Goddamn mother-fucking HAYFEVER season came early and it came hard. I went from being a non-caffeinated zombie ogling the light of change, to a bleary-eyed bitch who can’t stop the itch to sneeze. My nose is permanently blocked and now all I want to do is crawl into a ball on my couch with the blinds down and binge-watch Hart of Dixie and scratch my itchy eyes out.
Alternatively, I did wonder if maybe I just had a cold. Or an ear infection. And yes I did say hart of dixie and no I don’t care if you want to judge me for my trashy television choices, and yes it is the second time I am watching it actually because yes I loved it enough the first time to watch it again and I still love it now and yes the actor playing Wade Kinsella is a very sexy human in the show (weirdly not when you google him) that is a joy to watch despite the idiocy of the storylines. Did I tell you I am studying law? Yep. Law. I am just going to balance out my shame with some solid Law. Impressed? Good. Cos I am also a mum and an actor and (trying to be) a voice-over artist and (also trying to be) a writer and a fitness enthusiast. And, yes, I like Hart of Dixie. I am not a Swifty, but I like Hart of Dixie. Sorry. I only wrote that cos it rhymes. But there you have it. Flaws and all.
My partner, on the other hand, has an amazingly cool taste in things to watch and music to listen to. Quick side-step, I feel like partner is not quite the right word. But I don’t like saying husband. It makes me feel like a wife and I am not a wife. I mean, I am, cos we got married. But I don’t identify with being the kind of person who wants to be a wife or wanted to be married. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a wife or getting married. It’s just not something I ever cared to be or associate with. I do not really respect the sanctity of marriage I suppose. It all seems like a bit of a weird societal box-ticking thing to me. But we spontaneously got engaged cos I was moving to Sydney and it was about the commitment to each other and then 6 years later our families were both like ‘throw the damn party already’, so we did. So now I have a husband / partner. I can’t say boyfriend anymore, seems like a bit of a demotion. Anyway my man-friend. Good lord that is ten thousand times worse. Gman. I call him Gman. So Gman has always seemed to find shows to watch or music to listen to that is left of centre (not in a political way) and way cooler than anything I gravitate towards and he finds them before mainstream does and paves the way for uncool dopes like me.Things like Nathan For You. He would be lying in bed watching on his laptop giggling so much that the bed was shaking. I tried to give it a go, but it is so amazingly painful to watch, I just can’t hack it. The hugely, gaping awkwardness that he revels in is too much for me. I’m just not strong enough, or interesting enough, or cool enough. So Hart of Dixie it is. Take two. And I’m sorry. I thought I was cooler than that, but I’m not. I did have a little fantasy today though. I have been told in the past that I look like Rachel Bilson. (Ha! But also thank you.) Anyway I had a shower-thought that maybe I should try to sell myself as Australia’s version of Rachel Bilson. I don’t know why I thought that. Actually yes I do. I listened to Virginia Gay’s voice demo recently and she lauds herself as a cheaper Cate Blanchett. It made me laugh. What a great claim. Such a high reach and yet such a self-deprecating slap in the face at the same time. What a legend. Virginia Gay that is. Not Rachel Bilson or Cate Blanchett. I mean they might be legends, I just don’t know them. So anyway. I think I have a stupid cold. Goddammit.